She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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