I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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