dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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