The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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