wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
