Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Two words: nipple clamps
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