Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
