Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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