broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am one with the molecules
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
