It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
