i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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