if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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