I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
