Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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