The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
