If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
