My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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