i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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