my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
