you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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