make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
