he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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