oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
