You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
