I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
