for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
