Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
