You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
