I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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