had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
