So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just pee around me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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