the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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