Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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