my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
