Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
