omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
