So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
