I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
