Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
