so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
