Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
