Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i now understand why vodka
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
