I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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