I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
