We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
