genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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