I want to have your abortion
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
