did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
