When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
