I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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